Piss off October. You're dead.

Okay, so month 1 is always the most interesting isn't it? Every time, it happens the same. I come, I see, I'm brave, triumphant, I look around, sniff, take it all in, indulge with a guy or two, etc. Then fall to pieces, hot showers, lonely pilgrimages, literature in the sun, salads, yoga, late nights, full day planners, awkward moments, sleepless nights, sleepless fortnights, happiness, laughing till my tummy hurts.

then at the end of the month I feel empty.

I surprise myself. How I trudge on. I still trudge on. How inexhaustible I actually am. How much there is beneath all the layers that have been bleached, peeled, torn, ripped off. How much there still is. What a wealth of fucking fauna I'm working with. Because I'm an animal. I'm a hurricane. I used to think it's because I'm not worth it. I just have to calm down. Chill. I stare at my face in the mirror. Even with the red eyes, and freckles and white cheeks. I'm not a beauty. I'm just aware. When it all seems absurd and crap, I remind myself that this is why we are given a gift. Why we have a gift. Why we are blessed. Because our time will end one day, we won't know when. Because it will cease and we will be erased. But until then.

So again, not making pledges.Not making promises. I don't even care if I live the rest of my days alone, spread thin between men who don't deserve to look at me and those who can't bear to leave. If I live with dignity and knowing I've done my best, then I've lived a good life. Because my body will crumble one day, my hands won't be warm, my mind will be cloudy, my thoughts intact like ice. But I'll have my fire. It's my fire. My fire I'm not giving away anymore. I have a fire. It took man thousands of years to tame a piece of lightning. Excuse me while I bow at the altar of humility and restore an emotional charge to what has been taken for granted. My fire. My life. It's mine. It's a bit dusty but it's mine.

It is that which is taken for granted that cuts the deepest. It's gone one day and you're not sad..you're hollow. My life is my blessing. I am honouring it. I continue to honour my life.

I need art now. Truckloads of art. And some water. I'm so thirsty.

Welcome November. Stay a while.