Torrrronnnnttttttooooooo

Toronto feels different. Like a post-apocalyptic space where the inner city is struggling to breathe, to survive. Huge cranes sigh and moan while they work away tucked behind restaurants or galleries. Torontonians trying to make the most of it in the hard summers. I haven't had a Toronto winter in two years. The last one in 2010/2011 was unforgettable. It was hush hush, undefined, hazy, soft, harsh and morphing. 

I think the feeling is unsettling because I grew up in Toronto, went to uni in Toronto, had my bad fun in the heart of Toronto with Torontonians. I want to embrace my city, love it, cherish it and hold it close. Bucharest is in the past, Seoul is my soul city and Southampton is my daily bread. I like how small yet surprising Soton is. I like its tiny pockets and by next year I'll finish with it too.

 When I figure out what Toronto means I'll finally make up my mind about where I want to settle down. I think I'm getting closer. Aside from the daily pressures of "get a job" I can reply with "I can get OR make a job anywhere I want at this point" I can teach in Eastern Europe or Asia where I'm not a stranger and where I'll always be welcome. I can practice law in the Commonwealth and I know in the end I won't have to worry. I think my fear of the unknown made me push to create known spaces as far as I could reach. 

I liked feeling tiny and small in the big bad city of Toronto. I think that's what it was. I liked letting the city take me over a little and make me mad, sad, and powerless. 

And then there's the reality of Toronto for me. I had everything to lose here. I fell in love for the first time at 17 downtown at the movie theatre on Queen (the same one I'd sneak into high w my bestie first years at uni), had my first heartbreak here, had my second relationship and my first job, and success and disappointment at uni, and friends came and went.

The beauty and reality of my life right now is this: I don't know where I'll end up in a year, if I'll make it in London where I want to live, but I'll be happy wherever I end up. I like a challenge and I welcome it. By the time I settle down anywhere I can make a beautiful living I'll accept that place as home.

As long as it's a noisy city where I can learn something, I'm ok.

"Don't sell yourself short"

Toronto from Mohawk, meaning "where there are trees standing in the water"