Ryan

When he was 12, Ryan's father beat the shit out of him. He used a crowbar and went to town. 

Went to town. 

There was nothing but silence and the snuffing of a tiny fire. Somewhere, a fire went out. Ryan's eyes aren't fading; they're just faded. The blue flickers but doesn't speak. There is no language.

He's the torn up dog kinda guy. Roughed up, cut up, has been around the block a few times. He knows his way, he fights angry. He can put a man down. He can put three men down. His eyes are erased with love. They come alive with anger, with hate.

*

Ryan sits three feet down from me. We're in a darkened museum room. Contemporary art exhibit. We wanted to do everything that summer.  I'm there but not there. the projection shows a split screen train ride through the ravages of Kazakhstan. Very eastern Europe. Graffiti neon animals shining from dilapidated apartment facades. A world of grey. Injections of atomic, nuclear colour. Lime green iguanas grinning. A pink Bambi with an orange butterfly glowing on his fluffy tail. Glowing and pulsing. Ready for flight. Ready to alight. Ready for flight flight flight. 

Ryan's blue eyes. Erased. He's relaxed. 

I'm a million miles away. My heart hurts for that part of the world that pulsates like the orange butterfly. Glowing with poison. Hurting with the flash flash. Flash flash.

*

Ryan is beating the shit out of this guy. White tile is all pink and gritty now. I want to throw up. I run out of the bar and hide under his truck. He finds me. I'm a tiny ball making waves in the sand. We were parked on the beach. We wanted a day. To get away. I hit him. He drives me home. We have sex on the sofa. We watch a horror movie and I fall asleep. I get to work late the next day. I blame him. He buys me a pretty dress I wear on the weekend. We go dancing, we make out, I'm really happy. We smoke a joint with some friends and share it with this cop Mike who used to have a crush on me two summers ago. He's married now. Two kids, italian wife. The fucking dream. We get fucked up. Summer's crazy

*

Ryan shows me how to use a camera. How to shoot a still. He plays tricks with lights. My face is all dark, then it's all lit up. We have sex on set. My pupils the tiniest grains of black sand. Ryan's hands are strong. Strong irish hands. 

*

We hit up Cherry Beach on the east coast here. I see friends from lifetimes ago. They all look so west coast. So L.A. Blond and tall and generous. Everyone's happy and tanned. We get so fucked up and make a bonfire. Our flesh warms up and we run in the water. Bubbles and fizzy fizzy. Ryan catches up with some buddies from out west. Rich kids with big cars and fast hearts. One of his friends is a tough half white half asian kid who made it big boxing. He's strong and he loves Ryan like a brother. They talk about past films they worked on together in college. Ryan grabs my hand. We do a whole bunch of drugs and let the night wash over us. 

I wake up to a tiny crab stretching his sharp limbs into the dewey sunrise. Snip snap. Snip Snap.

*

We peel oranges. we drive around. My fingertips smell like Cali. We go to his buddy's parents' ranch. They own a few dozen horses. I pick one. A black blanket Appaloosa. Beautiful beautiful beautiful animal. God she's so beautiful. I run my hand over her. Cherry. Her name is Cherry. I ride Cherry a long time. Ryan picks a strong dun Missouri trotter. He's cruel with her and rides her western.

And I? To ride English or ride Western.