near the mountains

Pont Neuf. The chill creeps up and I use the cold to wake me up. I dream of Ryan. The distance is cruel. I want to trace dreams across his chest, hear them.

School is school. I like it but I am looking for work. My aunt says work in cafes, work with people so you can understand them, so you can write.

Daddy wouldn't like that. No, mama would think it beneath me. 

I  tried to ring Ryan the other day but I was told he's deep in the Okanagan filming. The valley that promises blue skies and clear rains. Clear clear rain that tack you to the earth where you can't move and all you can do is take it all in and surrender. Surrender to this virgin land that resists. Surrender to this beautiful land that endures.

I asked when he'll be due back but the breezy girl on the phone sounded nonchalant and too busy for me. 

The wind cuts through me. I like it. I'm alive. I'm afraid of losing her. Am I losing her? I'm not losing her. 

"Nina, try the same fall on the camera angle. Just like that but towards me. Just look at me babe"

Last night. Last night felt so good. Good day. 18 hours of film. Mostly good. When I get into town, I have to call her. Fuck  - - the Okanagan films itself. It's ridiculous. 

I try to remember the good parts, the parts where we're meant to be together forever. I try to remember how it's easy to just fall in love with her. Jack's coming round tomorrow so I can sleep this cold off. Maybe drive to Kelowna, have a beer with my buddies and remember why the hell I do this job. 

I'm in this linguistics class and the professor just reminded me of something I wanted to write a while ago. I feel so fucking weird here. What am I doing? Am I studying? Am I colouring outside myself? I'm being inspired under pressure. How bourgeois. 

-

Never take away. Add. Add Add Add. Ada.

If you ask mama about Ryan she'll go on and on and you ain't never gonna get a word in or finish the goddamn cup of tea.
Joce was about 5 and Ryan was 5 and  a half. He came from that rich house down the road with the light grey brick and his sassy mama who went round telling all us ladies about our faces and making them over and giving us glosses and paints that will make the men pour. And tiny Ryan always behind her with his tinier sister holding her hand and picking up her bike when she fell of the damn thing. Joce ain't never paid any attention to boys cuz she was too busy with snails and oak leaves and the whole lot but I tell ya the first time Ryan saw her face he always kept comin' round and comin' round.

I chew gum while I call the trailers again. I don't want to deal with this right now. I want to run by the windy Seine, I want to forget. You don't create when you're in love. You can't.

Llo?
Hi, it's Jocey. Is Ryan there please?
Baby. Hi
I could die. I lose my balance a little.
Baby?
I'm here. I'm here.
Flesh and blood and all here. Did I love before? Have I felt this before? Have I been willing to be selfless for someone before?
Hey Ryan. How's the forest? I miss you.
It feels good to say. Much anxiety disappears.
I have the feeling of being on the other side of the world, free and unchained and breathing easy and admiring great majestic sweeps of branch and leaf that look otherworldly, alien but at peace. I'm quiet a long time. 
Are you dreaming of aliens again? Peace on Mars and chicken grease in Uranus?
I don't want to laugh but I laugh. Shut up you jerk, no I'm calling to see how Mr. big artiste is handling his fucking craft.
Baby I'm almost done here. I'm coming in a few days. Made such good friends with the gaffer babe. He's got such talent and we're gonna grab a few beers now. I'm clean as a fucking whistle I swear. I can't wait to see you honey. You got all ready for me? Know our routes?
I don't like when he does this. Gets all up on me. 
Yeah baby, got my hat and everything.
She's got her hat going too!
I want to kiss his smirk off his face, lick the mud off his knuckles, get into his head, own him. I can't. Ryan is Adam. Ryan was made from the earth with one sculpting of the celestial, almighty hand and was given the original fire, the original spark to work with. Nothing will knock him down. He's ahead and he'll stoop to teach me, to embrace me. 

Yeah, I tell you Marjorie, I swear Ryan ain't seen no girl like my Jocey before. With her books about her and her no-bullshit attitude and her bouts of sadness that stayed so long. When they was kids all he wanted to do was eat her tears up. Before he got into big trouble with his daddy, then that mean man his mama married, then the other one too. Ryan and all the bullshit he carried with him. Ryan and his strength. Ryan and his beatings.