On the ground, in the ground, mixing with the rest. Mixing.
Clear skies, clear clear clear skies and bits of New Hampshire spilling out of the water jutting upwards creating a landscape on which disjointed humans gather the courage to walk, to walk.
Jocie grew up one year. Unexpectedly. Unexpectedly, she just left. After she left Ryan she went through the motions. Ryan represented the strength to believe in the good. That the good existed. That the good could exist. But Jocie wasn't all good was she? No. To be true to herself, Jocie needed to understand that she was mixed of darkness and light. The right kind of darkness. The right kind of light.
We are now going to speak of the second portion of Jocie's life. Jocie would scoff at this presumptuous narrative voice but part of Jocie likes the security of omniscience. Of the bigger scheme. Isn't that right Jocie? Oh Jocie darling, isn't this just so?
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Jocelyn. Jocelyn Smith. Her name on a fancy door. Her pencil skirt, hair up, big plans materialising, the ambition intact Jocelyn.
"Well, my word, I dare say I always knew my pretty Jojo was going to be a darling in the city. I always knew my pretty baby"
"Mama, shush. Come on. Let's go out for lunch. I can show you around. I'm so happy Mama. I'll show you my new apartment"
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That night after Jocie made love to Michael she woke up and gathered her things. She gathered them and hitched a ride back into town. Ryan met up with her at the nearest cafe on the outskirts of Kelowna.
"Hey"
They exchanged things and looked long and hard at each other. The jagged piece of Ryan. The softness of Ryan. His incredulity. His solid form, his understanding, his gentle eyes and his work laid out before him. Like a great big winding road from which you don't come back. The kind of road you keep going down on. Into the green bits, into the far edges of the forest, of the path. Far, far out into the heart of America.
Adam saw New York and stood watching. The buildings, the beginning of enterprise, one long drawn out second at a time. The narrow avenues. The kind of avenues one doesn't return from. The kind that feed you into another world, another alleyway. With their tails up like cats, the women disappear down these avenues, these alleys and never come back. Or if they do, they're not whole. They're never whole.
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Ryan is leaving. I am leaving Ryan. He breathes in, his blue eyes glisten. They glisten like dew, like the forest, like the ocean, like a heartbreak you like so much. Ryan turns around, hesitates, looks up and his shoulders go down with the heavy but unburdened aspect of the man who tried. I loved Ryan. I am watching Ryan go. Goodbye Ryan, I say inside. Deep deep inside.
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Adam saw New York and stood watching. The buildings, the beginning of enterprise, one long drawn out second at a time. The narrow avenues. The kind of avenues one doesn't return from. The kind that feed you into another world, another alleyway. With their tails up like cats, the women disappear down these avenues, these alleys and never come back. Or if they do, they're not whole. They're never whole.
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Ryan is leaving. I am leaving Ryan. He breathes in, his blue eyes glisten. They glisten like dew, like the forest, like the ocean, like a heartbreak you like so much. Ryan turns around, hesitates, looks up and his shoulders go down with the heavy but unburdened aspect of the man who tried. I loved Ryan. I am watching Ryan go. Goodbye Ryan, I say inside. Deep deep inside.
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yeah, you waved me off at one of the airports I spent half my lifetime in. Yeah you stood there crying, with your car keys in your hands, sending me off, taking care of me, loving me, where are you now? Where are you now?
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