First world problems

Here's Canada.
I'm anxious and all day I'm thinking about tonight. The way he'd show me in, our arrangement and our discussion afterwards.

I drive carefully in the rain. Lonestar plays to the sound of the graceful wipers. Great oak trees shakes raindrops to the ground. Mighty McDonald's sits there satisfied at the top of the road. I make a left and keep steady on. I pull into the commercial plaza with the huge Italian church in it (Yes St. David's is right beside DollarPlus) and park my car. I get out, take a huge breath and realise this is going to be intense.

I want to smoke one but I gave up smoking a long time ago. When? I don't know. My elbow is a little itchy. I should get that checked out. Did Virginia Woolf have itchy elbows? Ok, Focus.

Focus.

Breath out. I shake his hand, he can't quite believe how tall I am. He asks how tall I am. I mumble something I memorised in feet. I'm tired today. The traffic was ridiculous and downtown sucks the life out of you. I watched a wretched asian woman drag her whole life's belongings into the Starbucks; her sweatpants in tatters and missing a shoe on one foot. 

We talk a little and agree on availability. 

I tell him my left knee is sore. 

I tell him I do yoga.

I tell him I run.

 I have a personal trainer. 

He's so understanding and supportive. 

Everything I've ever wanted to be, physically, is now possible. 

I feel like a hunk of meat. 

Excited, I take my new menu and anticipate the sugar withdrawal. The detox headaches and cannot wait to count the calories and the grams of protein and fat. I can't wait to measure out each hour in chicken ounces and pieces of fresh almond. 

I go home and drink a green tea. 

I have an idea of who I am, of what I'm doing. I have a clear image in my mind of my body cutting across this reality. Vertically. 5'10. Maybe slimmer than last week. Slimmer than last month.

I don't feel strong now. An idea isn't strong. I want to be tight like a hurricane bud. I have the american blues. They're so blue.

I cuddle my dog. I do a "what animal are you?" quiz. On a Friday night.

Then plunge into case law for an interview I have next week. 

(I got an owl)