The flowers collected

did not wilt on the car ride home. 

He did not hold her hand. He stared out the window and tapped his thumb and forefinger on the wheel in anticipation, it was all a game. 

The breeze cut through the moment and she let out a long sigh. Schoolgirl sigh. She was smoking her mom's cigs and liked how there was still enough smoke coming out of her open mouth when she would continue speaking. Like she had enchanted this vice and it kept pouring out of her. They had spent the whole day at the ranch on her mama's side in New Mexico. 

They swam in the lakes, swamps, and underneath wide canopies of luxurious bur oak. Joce thought she saw a wide crocodilian tail swim past her, swim past her left shoulder blade when she was knee deep in the marshlands, but it was just her fear. A large, scaly, bony figure fleshed out in fear. Fear of love, fear of what lay ahead. Fear of the chance she took when she knew she ought to have gone a different way. 

Paul had been very aloof, as usual. They would meet for drinks at the end of the week somewhere in town while they were still in NYC and she'd fuss over every single thing they did. But he wasn't quite so aloof, this Paul. They were living a real life romance. The drinking and smoking and dancing with other partners, the soft velvet of the tender nights spent under the stars together, she thought absolutely everything he did was beautiful. The truth is that she was in awe of him, in love with him. She wanted to preserve him in his raw innocence. Keep him trapped in this slice of time, keep him aloof from her, keep him. Flash flash

After that first meeting with the B.Londe, things changed. He waited for her to show up even though she was finishing a masters. He'd close down bars waiting for her to finish working on her dissertation, she would show up and they'd have a sloppy little dance on the floor amongst three other wasted couples. He would hold her tight and she wouldn't remember anything she was writing about. It was blossoming naturally and it was all she could think about. She once woke up and saw the shine pour down his light brown hair. It became apparent that this was becoming very serious as she could no longer imagine how evenings felt without the rush of Paul all over her. 

One day, Paul met her in the city by one of his buildings. They were supposed to have dinner with his mother at the Ritz Carlton, but he had work to finish. She didn't mind entertaining his mother, as she had just finished a few more saucy Victorian novels and been to a few fashion shows in Soho, meaning that there was plenty to talk about. She had to let him know that she'd need to travel back to New Mexico because one of the horses was sick and needed to be put down. 

Paul kissed her forehead and told her, of course he would be coming with her. 

Instant warmth. 

The stars shining brighter l i k e

coca cola bottles popping all across the skies

bright bright bright

.Holding Hands.

A winking Eurydice 

No, the moment felt like: 

Instant warmth.

*

The most difficult part about forgetting Ada was the instant rupture with England. This was no longer a place that was home. It became a place like all the others. The sentimentality plucked, Adam could contemplate this island and what it meant. Curtain of sky, blanket of grass and meadows on meadows all lost their taste in Adam's mind's mouth. There was so little left that was 

                     delicious. 

*

Journal - Paul

(piece found by Jocey in a fight, ripped from his Journal and clipped next to her rendition of the evening. This all came later, sewn together later

 baby)

Joce is far out tonight. She's got the stars in her eyes, she looks like a red-haired demon. I want to trust her with my mother. She says she's read some new Eliot? Can I even fucking believe this shit? 

It just all sounds like some preppy bullshit. I can't handle this girl. I barely love her. 

Mother is all strung out. Then Joce says we have to travel to New fucking Mexico cuz her grandad has to put down some horse? What the hell is this bullshit? I obviously agree cuz I don't wanna lose her but she's nuts. I don't think this is going to be long term. This will be short fucking term. 

*

We get to grandad's ranch and Paul looks like hell. I kiss him on the mouth hard and go inside to wash my hands. And my mouth. 

I see the horse out on the field and my heart hurts. 

I take Paul's hand and we walk slowly to it. Grandad is inside already so we have to do this quickly. I take out my handgun and I don't realise but my bottom lip is quivering. Paul takes the gun and shoots it off. The whole thing lasts five seconds. 

*

Before this day, it was all too soon. I don't love Jocey. Or maybe I do. But, I need her. She is the better part of me. The horse disappeared from underneath us. I felt nothing. But losing Jocey

   that feels like hell.

Losing Paul - that wasn't really an option.