ANNNDDDDDDD
No work today!!
So I'm sitting here at Kimmie's eating summer pasta with cucumber and sesame seeds and blogging.
We're soon going to watch SMASH.
Speaking of gay, I bought some crayons.
I'm annotating my History of Beauty Encyclopedia and I think it needs pastel subtitles because beauty is colour. I feel like a fag most days so I'll try to keep this post as sober as possible.
I went for my first run last night. I went for an hour and a half and it felt like it was forever. I had Lana Del Rey playing and I forgot I was jogging and just sorta meandered wide-eyed through the Heung-deok suburbia.
I've been here for a third of a year. 4 months. I don't know when it flew by and I have no idea if I accomplished what I came here for. I just know life isn't so hard anymore. It's been impossible here and lonely and alienating and wonderful and beautiful. My life now is a burst of colour, a trail of rainbows. Working with kids is not only rewarding - it's healthy. I walk around feeling like I'm leaving a trail of confetti or colourful crumbs for an invisible Hansel and Gretel. Like if I'm held at gunpoint I'll only have crayons or worksheets to give up. And I'm okay with that.
I reached a point after losing whitey that almost drove me mad. It made me wonder what it's all for. Like you know? The whole big picture?
I sorta dipped my toe in the existential hot pool for a few minutes and it was...suffocating. I choked, I felt life coming at me fast and hard and too much and yes I do suffer from anxiety but fuck..it was hard to breathe.
Speaking of having difficulty breathing..I went to the doctor on Friday because my lungs and ribs were hurting.
Checked out the hospital nearby, got myself an ice cream and joined the line. The doctor was very nice and she wanted me to get an X-ray and ECG done.
So, I did the shitty X-ray.
But the ECG proved more difficult. The nurse was nervous because I was am white. She fiddled with the cords. She made me go on the bed. Then she made me take off my shirt..on ..the bed. Then she made me take off my skirt..and my stockings and I wished she told me earlier because I was topless trying to take off my ripped stockings so i had to make sure she didn't see the toe rip because that would be.....embarrassing.
So it was in that moment...naked in a Korean ECG room that had a laminated smiley face covering a wallpaper rip..that I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. I wanted to cry and I wanted to laugh...simultaneously. And I did. And the nurse stopped and glared at me, coughed and told me "sorry sorry no more battery..sorry!!!!" I was laughing and crying and the ECG batt fucken...died.
So she covered me with my scattered cardigan and coat and left me staring at the ceiling. I stared at that fucking ceiling for a while. It felt good. I felt fine. My heart was there, beating even if the ECG machine couldn't read it. And that's what living feels like sometimes.
We're obsessed with chronicling and publishing our every thought and emotion and when we're minutely invisible for a portion of time we feel as if we ceased existing. But we're still here. We're not erased.
on that note...
I stumbled upon these today:
someday, somewhere - anywhere, unfailingly, you’ll find yourself, and that, and only that, can be the happiest or bitterest hour of your life.
pablo neruda
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